Contemplations on fear and the unconditional

Contemplations on the Unconditional, Compassion, and Fear. 

The following is my current truth and I share all of me with you trusting you will hold me. Sending big, big love out to this miraculous universe that allows for our existence to unfold. 

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This past 6 months I’ve given up many monetary objects and material possessions to rid myself of social constructs that had me believing I was stuck. My internal currency no longer equated to money so I removed myself from the cyclical patterns I was bound to for many years. I was working a job that didn’t make me happy, I overstayed because the money was great, and I loved my coworkers. I drank too much, did far too many drugs and at the end of it all I grew very tired, and empty. I made poor decisions that hurt myself and left me feeling less than. I practised a ‘spiritual life’; daily yoga, meditation, mindfulness and pranayam, but I was severely stuck to a belief that I had bought from childhood. I thought that if I earned enough money I could buy myself the things I needed to make myself happy. I was scared, and I lived in fear. I was incredibly mislead, sorely mistaken and it took hitting a depression this past Christmas, to see clearly. The very honest truth is it took me going home on NYE 2018, sitting ceremony alone on my bedroom floor, with 4 grams of psilocybin, to see I was able to make the choice to detach myself at anytime. To jump off the ferris wheel that was draining my life force. That time was now, for me. 

I will digress momentarily to give you a slight background story of my history and work with organic plant medicine derived psychedelics.  A few years back, in the Peruvian jungle, on a very high dose of Mother Ayahuasca, I met myself. I purged limiting beliefs and all the horrible ways I spoke to myself. I took vows to myself around 9am in the morning still on Venus from the medicine the night before, they went like this... 

I would never allow my freedom to be compromised. 

I would not play nice to appease others.

I will no longer say things I do not mean. 

I will not do anything out of moral obligation. 

I will always do as I say. 

I will not allow fear to be a motivating factor in my life. 

If I do something wrong, I will own it, and do my best to work on doing better. 

I will not beat myself up, if I happen to make a mistake. 

I will learn how to forgive myself and in turn others. 

I will develop a self practice and from this place learn who I am. Learn to kindly watch my egoic counterpart react and rear. 

I will be compassionate and kind to myself and the other. 

From this place I learned how to love myself fully. I continued to work with plants, some psychedelic and some not. All plants hold medicinal magic unique to their own. I share this with you because I feel I owe my current state to the awareness these master plants assisted me in developing. 

I learned how to be my own mother, my father, and brother. I learned to fill the voids in my soul with my own self nurturing and kindness. I learned compassion and unconditional love. I learned how to develop a strong relationship with the broken little girl in me that yearns for affectionate love. The one who cries to be heard and to be held. 

It has taken me nearly 4 years from that awakening in Peru to arrive here. In British Columbia, in my mosquito filled 2007 Grand Caravan we named Buddha, to humbly say I am here, now. I am unveiled and humbled by my awareness, I am simply figuring it out. I am allowing the unfolding to happen. This is the happening, this breath, NoW.

For a number of years, at least since my awakening in Peru, my external actions were not aligned with my internal truth. In March 2018 I decided to leave Toronto and move to a community on a volcano in Ometepe, Nicaragua. I learnt how to truly be myself (void of the external distractions; money, partying, stress, work). I learnt to speak, to project from my heart, my highest truth. I learnt what full transparency looked like and how we can mirror this in every relationship, all relationships. I found myself in love with a man younger than myself, and challenged to not judge his solar returns. He is kind, he’s soft, he’s wise, he’s aware and awake, but above all; he chose me fully. He saw in me what I often times miss in myself. 

We moved to Canada and decided to travel across the country in our makeshift motor home. Life is simple and it’s clear. It’s really the smallest things that bring me miraculous joy. Walking in sand and admiring the vast animal prints on the beach, by the lake. Or being watched by a wolf just metres from our car. Pushing up against serious fears of being mauled alive by a grizzly bear just 3 metres from my trembling body. Or the sounds of birds singing as the sun merges slowly in the horizon, waking me gently. 

I’m telling you this because I have made this decision for myself. We live in fear and in a thick fog of suppression that teaches us we can not think for ourselves. We have removed ourselves from the natural healing forces of nature. I now understand greatest compassion, this understanding needs to be applied to the Self first. I never understood this first hand before I took this leap of faith into the vast unknown. When I left my job, in debt, to live in a community, I took my first leap into this realm. Four months later, I arrived back in Ontario in even more debt, and decided to leave the province to travel across Canada to the West Coast, in our van. Cross the country with very little money, to rely on other humans for help, finding the courage to ask for what we need. Allowing ourselves to be held by other beings, and the universe. To be guided, to trust, and to allow for the unfolding to emerge. 

The ecstatic dance of plunging into the darkness only to find the light. The light follows us around everywhere we go, because we are the light. The lighthouse exists within us. When we stop dimming our own lights the universe unfolds for us, revealing all of its infinite potential. 

I haven’t always been self assure. But today, I know I am as honest as I can be. I haven’t always been this way, and there have been moments I’ve hurt others exposing myself. I have learnt along my journey that standing in all of my truths, completely naked is my only chance at true liberation, at freedom. If I happen to pass a mirror, it is I that has to look into the reflection. I need to be inherently happy with the being looking back at me. 

I am constantly watching myself, witnessing my ego rear her ugly head. When she jumps in the driver seat I simply watch her and politely as her to move over. This unconditional compassion for mySelf is in turn given to the beings that walk beside me. We are mirrors, we see ourselves in the other. All of the parts of me, you can’t look at, the parts you judge and turn your face away; are most likely the parts you turn away from yourself. 

So, I ask you. Don’t turn away from yourSelf. Look closely at all the parts you judge in the other, and send compassion to yourself. Be easy and be kind, but be honest. Don’t be afraid to ask for connection and don’t be afraid to say you’ve asked enough. For me, balance is where I attempt to stand, rooted with both feet equally dispersed, grounded on this magical land. 

I am simply a girl on her journey willing to share. I have spent far too many years being scared of not having enough, of being alone, and most of all, being judged. Fear still arises and most often has to do with monetary value, self worth, or being eaten by a grizzly. Just as I watch my ego I also observe these false evidences appear to be real. I am really unsure where I will land tomorrow. I know that I will be held, and mostly that I will hold myself. We get to choose the frequency we emit, we choose the vibrations of love and honesty absorbed into this rock we live on. My full time job is witnessing myself and being as clear, as transparent as I can be. I want to be a light force of positivity and share my life with you. I want to connect and to love fully in each moment, for it is a gift and I am grateful to be here. 

All parts of me are welcome here, and every single part of you is welcome as well. The only ask here, is that we stand in all of our truths, and own them. Then we will walk hand in hand, walking one another home.